Sure, You might be a redneck if jokes have been around a while. I bet you that you haven't heard them all. Here is a huge list of em fer ya.

 

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
 

You think a stock tip is advice on worming your hogs.
 

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 
 
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
 

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
 

Your house still has the WIDE LOAD sign on the back.
 

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. - And you said, 'Bout What?'
 

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
 
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
 
You ever used lard in bed.
 
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
 
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
 
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
 
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
 
Fewer than half of your cars run.
 
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
 
The primary color of your car is bondo.
 
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
 
You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
 
Your family tree doesn't fork.
 
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
 
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
 
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
 
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
 
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
 
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
 
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
 
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
 
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
 
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
 
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
 
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
 
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words Trucking Institute.
 
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
 
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
 
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
 
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
 
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?
 
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
 
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
 
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy! HEY! or How Y'all Doin? (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
 
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
 
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
 
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
 
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
 
You've been too drunk to fish.
 
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
 
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
 
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)
 
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right.'
 
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
 
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
 
You've ever financed a tattoo.
 
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
 
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
 
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
 
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
 
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
 
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
 
The directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
 
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
 
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
 
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
 
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
 
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
 
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
 
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
 
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
 
You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occasions.
 
You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message for a good time call... because you feel guilty about putting it there.
 
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
 
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
 
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
 
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
 
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
 
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.
 
You call your boss Buddy on a regular basis.
 
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
 
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
 
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
 
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
 
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
 
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
 
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
 
Someone in your family says Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it.
 
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
 
You mow your lawn and find a car.
 
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
 
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
 
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
 
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
 
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
 
You participate in the who can spit tobacco the farthest contest.
 
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
 
You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
 
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
 
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just Misunderstood.
 
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
 
If the fifth grade is referred to as your senior year.
 
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
 
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
 
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
 
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
 
When you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.
 
Your biggest ambition in live is to git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn...
 
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
 
When you leave your house you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
 
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is.
 
You gene pool doesn't have a deep end.
 
Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set? is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
 
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
 
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
 
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
 
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
 
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
 
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
 
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
 
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
 
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
 
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
 
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
 
The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'
 
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
 
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
 
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
 
You idea of talking during sex is ain't no cars coming, baby!
 
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
 
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
 
Yer mom calls ya over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house!
 
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
 
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
 
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
 
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
 
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!)
 
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
 
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
 
When a sign that says Say No To Crack! reminds you to pull up your jeans.
 
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
 
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
 
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
 
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
 
Buck Naked Line Dancing isn't a videotape, it's Ladies Night at the local bar.
 
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
 
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
 
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.
 
Dolly Parton reminds you of the 'Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
 
You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.
 
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
 
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
 
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
 
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
 
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
 
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
 
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
 
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
 
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
 
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
 
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
 
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
 
On your job application under SEX you put As often as possible.
 
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
 
You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking as soon as it gets light.
 
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
 
Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!
 
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
 
In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?
 
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
 
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are Gentlemen, start your engines. or Play Ball...
 
Your child's first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers!
 
Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
 
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
 
You think P.E.T.A stands for People for the Eatin of Tasty Animals

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
 

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

 

8. Just stick it in my box
 

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

 

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
 

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!

 

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
 

3. It's an entry-level position.

 

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
 

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

 

The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you.

 

For breakfast, you’d rather have potatoes than grits.

 

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

 

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

 

You’ve never eaten Okra.

 

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

 

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

 

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

 

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

 

You have no idea what a polecat is.

 

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

 

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

 

You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

 

You don’t have a least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

 

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

 

You refer to two or more people as “you guys”.

 

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

 

You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.

 

Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football or hockey game.

 

You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob)

 

You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

 

You don’t know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

 

You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for(something)

 

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

 

Your idea of a perfect meal is “Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah.”

 

You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

 

Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

 

You don’t “reckon”.

 

You’re not “fixin” to do anything.

 

You don’t use paper sacks.

1. You think Ted Koppel's Hair is real!

 

2. You like to give to charities - with other people's money.

 

3. You think free love is sheik and still wonder why your third marriage just went down the toilet.

 

4. Whenever an intern disappears in Washington, you say it's all about sex.

 

5. Your father wore flowers and your mother wore army boots in the sixties.

 

6. You think Al Gore won the election in 2000.

 

7. You fondly recall Stalin as Uncle Joe.

 

8. You think the second amendment is the right to keep and bear a white flag.

 

9. Whenever you hear Rush Limbaugh's name mentioned you foam at the mouth and your knee jerks.

 

10. When hooligans throw rocks at police, you call it civil disobedience, when Republicans protest a fixed election you call it a riot.

 

11. If you nod your head and genuflect when Ted Kennedy speaks (or belches) then you might be a liberal.

 

12. If you went to prep school, got your bachelor's, master's, doctorate; you teach in a university, and still imagine that you know all about the real world, then you might be a liberal.

 

13. If you think evangelical is a dirty word you might be a liberal.

 

14. If you make sure to invite a lone conservative to your chic (not sheik) party because you want to show people how open-minded you are then you might be a liberal.

 

15. If you think alcoholics are disabled and deserve Social Security (or should be elected to be the senior senator from Massachusetts) then you might be a liberal.

 

16. If you eat granola bars for breakfast, salad greens for lunch, quiche for supper and then wake up hungry in the middle of the night and eat a whole quart of ice cream...and still think you are eating healthy, then you might be a liberal.

 

17. If you think rats, mice and houseflies are people, too, then you might be a liberal.

 

18. If you buried your dead goldfish in the compost bin because you thought it would be good for the environment then you might be a liberal.

 

19. If you think the government can solve your personal problems then you might be a liberal.

 

20. And our favorite: You might be a liberal if your FIVE-YEAR-OLD tells YOU what to do!

 

21. You might be a liberal if you give money to the homeless man on the corner of the freeway, but you turn up your nose every time you see a boy scout.

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

 

2. He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

 

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

 

4. He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.

 

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

 

6. He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger.

 

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

 

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.

 

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 an obscene gesture.

 

10. He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table.

 

11. He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said ...

 

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

 

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?

 

14. Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

 

15. The sign in front of his law office reads Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.

 

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.

 

17. He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.

What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.

 

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.

 

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

 

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

 

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

 

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

 

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

 

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. $50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer. Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man. Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

 

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

 

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

 

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

 

Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change.

 

You call for a records check on anyone that is friendly toward you.

 

You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal.

 

You can identify a negative tattoo to tooth ratio just by looking at a person.

 

You correlate two beers with 0.15 BAC.

 

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

 

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

 

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

 

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

 

You believe that a shallow gene pool should be grounds for an arrest.

 

You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce.

 

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says Boy, it sure is quiet around here.

 

You refer to your nightstick as your Dork Slayer.

 

You believe that chocolate is a food group.

 

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick.

 

You have wanted to hold a seminar on Suicide, getting it right the first time.

 

You believe that too stupid to live should be a valid jury verdict.

 

You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably.

 

You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar.

 

You believe the dispatcher is possessed.

 

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form.

 

You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables.

 

You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium saltlick.

 

You have heard: I have no idea how that got there, on more than a few occasions.

 

You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone.

 

You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car.

 

You believe that it is a good death only if it involves overtime.

 

You have to check to make sure your weapon is ready to rock n' roll before using a public restroom.

 

You read your wife the Miranda warning whenever she says we need to talk.

 

You can tell the severity of an accident just by hearing the sirens.

 

You have co-workers that pay more in child support and alimony every month than you make in a year.

Your accumulated vacation hours let you retire 10 years early.

 

The radiation from your monitor has burnt your shadow onto the wall

 

Your wife has more and older children than you can account for.

 

You've gone from decaf to espresso to straight gin.

 

Wastebasket in your office is full of the ripped-off faces of people who came to you with a question or problem...

 

You get on the down elevator on floor six, push the sixth floor button and become irritated that you are not going anywhere.

 

Your kids call 911 and report a burglary when you come home at early one night (8pm). They didn't recognize you ...first time you have been home before their bedtime in months.

 

You look at the clock...it shows 6:00...you can't remember if it's AM or PM.

 

The janitor vacuums you in the evenings

 

The little leprechaun, that only you can see, who keeps telling you to, Burn it, burn it all.

 

You spend too much time in front of the microwave before noticing it's not your TV.

 

You've begun to enjoy the elevator music.

 

Acne at age 43.

 

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip of espresso.

 

What shall I do today? Pretend to work ...take a hostage ... pretend to work ...take a hostage ...

 

Road rage in the supermarket resulting in broken bones from the canned yams.

 

Whenever your boss asks how the project you've been working on 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, is coming along, you laugh uncontrollably for 3 minutes, then break into a medley of show tunes.

 

Tylenol stock takes a nasty drop every time you take a weekend off.

 

A growing need to DO something about the guy in the next cube. You know, the one that makes all those annoying sounds and smells. Yeah, something...something permanent. Yeah...

 

Spend day staring at the squirrels on the front lawn of the building. (There aren't any squirrels at your building. There's not even a lawn).

Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices
 
Wear golf shoes.
 
Every time you throw exclaim TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS! Continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
 
When ever a strike X appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
 
Explain to the owner how your game is All sorts of messed up due to plate tectonics, then lose him in lingo. Demand compensation.
 
Make lewd and graphic references to your ball. Works well on Senior Ladies night
 
Play boccie with extra lane balls
 
Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again.
 
Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened
 
Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.
 
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
 
Hide behind the pins, stick your head up laughing hysterically
 
Use a curling weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers
 

Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted
 
Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours
 
Root for the other team - bring banners.
 
Make fun of your team - bring lettuce.
 
Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments.
 
Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEERIKE
 
Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
 
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl.
 
Blatantly underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating.
 
When an opponent is on his back-swing, race up and take his ball and run home.
 
If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter-balls and blame plate tectonics.
 
Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone.
 
Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
 
Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers. Leave town.
 
Walk around asking people why they are here. Do this the whole night.
 
Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, then expound on the sins of bowling.
 
Name your ball something like KILLER. Openly boast to everyone how great you are, throw like a wimp, do this all night
 
Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn.
 
Bring a dart-gun. Be inventive.
 
Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
 
Run around sprinkling magic fairy dust on everyone's balls.
 
Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night. Don't even have a entrance Fee, advertise it like crazy using every mass media known to man, make the 3rd Prize $10,000 and a Porsche, the 2nd Prize $5,000 and a trip to Europe and 1st Prize a coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights. Leave.

Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
 
I work for the IRS.
 
Have you ever tried cat meat?
 
I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
 
I just had a proctologic exam - wow, worth every penny!
 
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
 
I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
 
My butt reeeally itches!
 
Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
 
My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
 
The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
 
Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
 
Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar.
 
I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
 
The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous.
 
Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
 
Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
 
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
 
I get a proctologic exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
 
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
 
Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
 
If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
 
Wanna buy a gerbil?
 
Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
 
Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
 
Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
 
I've just been treated for tapeworms.
 
Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
 
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
 
The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
 
Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
 
I collect aluminum foil.
 
Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
 
I work in a landfill.
 
I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
 
I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
 
I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
 
We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter who.

 

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
 

3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

 

4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
 

5) Improvise Italian operas.

 

6) Gossip about someone to their face.
 

7) Answer every question with a question. 

 

8) Repeat yourself constantly.
 

9) Act like a member of the opposite sex. 

 

10) Repeat yourself constantly. 
 

11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons. (Okilee Dokilee)

 

12) Repeat yourself constantly. 
 

13) Change what you repeat every now and then.

 

14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
 

15) Change what you repeat every now and then.

 

16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else. 
 

17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.

 

18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
 

19) One word: Caffeine. 

 

20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
 

21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.

 

22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
 

23) Change what you repeat again. 

 

24) Speak in rapid Spanish. 
 

25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space. 

 

26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
 

27) Change what you repeat again. 

 

28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so. 
 

29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar. 

 

30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them. 
 

31) Pretend to be drunk.

 

32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator. 
 

33) Change what you repeat again. 

 

34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else. 
 

35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.

 

36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth. 
 

37) Change what you repeat again. 

 

38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak. 
 

39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.

 

40) Pretend to be high. 
 

41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

 

42) Change what you repeat again. 
 

43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.

 

44) Speak in Gaelic.
 

45) Blink rapidly and constantly. 

 

46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where. 
 

47) Strut.

 

48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it. 
 

49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it. 

 

50) Become The Masked Wedgie Giver. 
 

51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it Check list for Today. Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

Take large objects on the train with you.

 

Sing songs. Start a round with everyone on the train.
 
Eat onions and garlic and talk to the people next to you.
 
Sell stuff.
 
Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by.
 
Yell to your friends at the other end of the train.
 
Make fun of other people while they are in hearing distance of you.
 
Ride the train while drunk. Extra points if you throw up.
 
Constantly ask people for directions.
 
Ask people where they are from.
 
Ask people where they are going.
 
Quiz people on the meaning of life.
 
Start a game of poker. Extra points if it's strip poker.
 
Start a game of tag. Extra points if it's strip tag.
 
Start a game of twister.
 
Use a cell phone. Talk loudly.
 
Turn your headphones up to 120 decibels and then complain loudly that they just don't make headphones loud enough anymore.
 
Shake off your umbrella on the people sitting down.
 
Shake off your hair on the people sitting down.
 
Ring out your shirt on the people sitting down. Even on days when it's not raining. Make them wonder where it all came from.
 
Ring out the shirt of the person sitting next to you.
 
Bring a pet. Preferable a rattlesnake. Without a cage.
 
Juggle eggs.
 
Juggle knives.
 
Don't take a shower for a month.
 
Stick your feet way out into the aisles when sitting down. Extra points if you're wearing clown shoes.
 
Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.
 
Start line dancing. Even when there's no music.
 
Use the shoulder of the person next to you to take a nap.
 
Use the shoulder of the person next to you to blow your nose.
 
Use the shoulder of the person next to you to cry.
 
Have deep philosophical conversations about belly button lint.
 
Play an accordion for money. Make people pay you to stop.
 
Jump up and down muttering gotta go, gotta go then frown and say oops.
 
Use pennies in the turnstile.
 
Wear a Burger King crown and tell everyone that they must bow before royalty. Hit those who don't.

You own something that says, Dukakis for President, and still display it.

 

You've ever said, We really should call the ACLU about this.

 

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
 

You ever based an argument on the phrase, But they can afford a tax hike because...

 

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
 

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

 

You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
 

You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.

 

You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
 

You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.

 

You've never been mugged.
 

You actually expect to collect Social Security.

 

You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
 

You think the Great Society has actually worked.

 

You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
 

You got teary-eyed during the film The American President.

 

You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
 

Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.

 

You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
 

Your High School Year Book goals included the words help people.

 

You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
 

You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.

 

You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
 

You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.

 

You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
 

You know at least one Vegan.

 

You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
 

You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.

 

You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
 

You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.

 

You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
 

You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.

 

You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
 

You think that Joan Baez had something to say.

 

You admire the Swedish welfare system.
 

You know that Jefferson really meant to say Entitled to Happiness.

 

You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
 

You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.

 

After looking at your pay stub you can still say, America is undertaxed.

 

Politician Joke (god one)

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

 

You've ever referred to someone as my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.

 

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

 

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

 

You've ever uttered the phrase, Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches.

 

You've ever called a secretary or waitress Honey.

 

You don't think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

 

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.

 

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...

 

You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.

 

You've argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.

 

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

 

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

 

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

 

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

 

You've ever said, Clean air? Looks clean to me.

 

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a lying bitch while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

 

You spent MLK Day reading The Bell Curve.

 

You've ever called education a luxury.

 

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

 

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

 

You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American Hero sticker.

 

You're afraid of the liberal media.

 

You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well, tradition dictates....

 

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

 

You think all artists are gay.

 

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.

 

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.